When will your family be enough?

One of my biggest frustrations is when I hear, “My wife never met my needs, so I had an affair” or “My husband was never there for me or told me I was beautiful.” This is such a weak way of thinking and going about life. People like this need to grow up and understand how their actions effect others.

My father left my mother almost 15 years ago; it would have been their 30th wedding anniversary. I didn’t know it growing up but my father had a hard time seeing past his own needs, wants, and pain. Looking back over my childhood I thought we had it all, the perfect family. Now, we weren’t rich and I didn’t have everything I asked for, but we were given more than we probably needed and most importantly I had loving parents. Only when I got older did I start to see the truth, subtle at first then painfully obvious. Shortly after I graduated college and during my first two years of marriage my family exploded.

My father had multiple affairs over the course of their marriage and now not only destroyed our family but others as well. Wow, how selfish can you be? He used to tell me “You don’t know the whole truth.” Like any additional information would justify all his actions/decisions. Just take responsibility- you did this because you are selfish and all you think about is YOU! If you were so unhappy how about work on it. I don’t know, put all that time and energy that you put into sneaking around and creating this alternate happiness into your current marriage. Other questions I would have to ask is why are you so unhappy? What else do you need to be happy? I have found that the ones hurt and most effected by this type of selfish behavior will never get the answers to these questions.

In most cases, divorce is such a devastating tragedy. I completely agree that their are circumstances where divorce is necessary, but in both my parents’ and my sister’s divorce this was not the case. Both of these tragic events were the result of ONE person thinking of their own “needs” and “happiness” as more important than the people they were supposed to love more than anything. I know people reading this will say “Do you really want someone to stay just because of the vows they took, regardless if they are miserable?” My response would be the same as above, how about you put all that time and energy into your marriage/family and see how that turns out. Too many times people want to run because the “spark” they initially felt is gone. What they fail to understand is that the spark they first felt is no more than the infancy stage of a relationship. A deep, meaningful marriage takes hard work and a dedication to the other. Putting their needs above yours is not easy and sometimes feels as if it will snuff the “spark,” but these seemingly tough times lead to something much brighter than a spark.

I look at my niece and nephew and just can’t understand what on earth could you (my brother-n-law) possible want more than this? Why on earth, when you look at your family picture can you say “this isn’t enough”? I actually asked him this question, but to be honest there isn’t an answer that would be good enough. I love my brother-n-law, and it truly saddens me that he has allowed “the grass is greener” lie to break up his wonderful family. The truth is both my father and brother-n-law are both on their third marriage and still looking for what makes them “Happy”.

In my previous post, “Focused Eyes”https://classedupcrazy.com/2019/08/16/focused-eyes/ it focuses on the blessing in your life, especially those that your missing through the events of everyday life. I also mention that many people look at the “green grass” on the other side and wish they had more, but they fail to realize that that “green” grass still has to be watered, mowed, and taken care of or it too will turn brown and die. Everything great in your life requires hard work and lots of time. The sad truth is that I no longer have a relationship with my father, but it’s not due to me holding on to the past and not forgiving him. I have forgiven him, but it is clear that he hasn’t stopped to see anyone else but himself and I’m not sure that he even knows how anymore.

I wish people would stop and see that this horrible and devastating lie, that so many are being lured in by, as the ugly and awful thing it is. The greener grass is just a fake and false sense of reality that will strip you of everything you hold dear and hurt the very people that you love the most. Please do not fall into this mindset; learn to take your blinders off and see the many blessings you have right in front of you each day!

“The happiest man on earth is the one that is content with what he has.”

J

Expectations/Standards – too low?

I am a mother of two boys and I have noticed more now than ever the difference in standards when it comes to boys versus girls. It seems as though society has a lower level of expectations for men than women and this is extremely frustrating on many levels for me. Why is it an accepted and normal way of thinking that men will always lust after women. I have heard many say “they can look but not touch”, “boys will be boys”, and “they have needs”. I know women who allow their husbands/boyfriends to go to strip clubs, and this is acceptable? WHAT! Why would we let men settle to this way of thinking? Why would we let our significant other devalue a woman in such a way. How about the fact that they are disrespecting the one they are with? They are strong and very capable with resisting these behaviors; they are not mindless animals. The women that are playing into this stereotype often feel like this is the way to satisfy their men and keep them happy by not putting boundaries on them – Really! These women need to get a backbone and pick men that love them and are completely devoted to them, these are the men that do not need external stimulation to feel satisfied. Enough is enough with this weak view of men and women putting up with this substandard type of relationship.

I can’t handle that everything from food, cars, drinking, and sports (just to name a few) are sold with sex. Let’s be real they are not selling to women they are trying to entice men. Even our consumer market thinks males are mindless animals and if I were a man I would be insulted. This is the very struggle I have with raising my sons. I am very aware that men and women are completely different. I also understand that men are more physical by nature than women, however to believe that they can not live without subjectifying women is absurd. Society is guilty of putting this on our men and not expecting more from them. It is a known fact that individuals rise to expectations that are set for them, with knowing this we need to set higher ones.

Our men need to stand up too. Peer pressure from other men is just as bad as the constant bombarding that they get everyday from the media and society. We need to teach our sons that they are not weird and need to have standards. Not falling into these social norms does not lesson their manhood at all.

Allowing men to be a stereotype is also damaging to Marriages. These sacred relationships cannot thrive when one partner is behaving this selfishly. This lack of respect is appalling and so hurtful. It is a horrible example for children and again I will go back to how this hurts when raising them. A lot of times this is a cycle and and how can we expect young boys to resist this lifestyle when they are bombarded via the media, friends, and now . . . parents.

I love my boys and I want them to thrive in healthy relationships. I am truly blessed that their father is an amazing example of how unselfish devotion can grow a marriage. Let’s not forget that a marriage takes both partners giving all of themselves all of the time. Raising our children to believe differently will ultimately require a societal shift. This may seem overwhelming, but I know these types of changes begin at home.

-J

Choose to love the one you’re with.

Do you want to know what can really get me on my soap box? When people say “Oh, we just fell out of love.” I’m sorry – okay, not that sorry – but that is total BS.

“We fell out of love.”

“They stopped taking me out.”

“They stopped telling me I’m beautiful.”

Okay, but what about taking personal responsibility for what YOU are doing or not doing anymore? When was the last time YOU suggested you go out for dinner? Or when was the last time you told THEM that THEY were beautiful/handsome/fine/*insert compliment of choice*? If you have been 100% open and honest with your feelings and what you are searching for and they still refuse to give this to you, sure. You might have a few issues that need to be worked out. However, I can guarantee you most of the time a simple change in your own lifestyle and communication can make a huge difference.

I’ve always dated with intent. For as long as I can remember I was running “boys” off with trying to be too “serious.” I would get upset when they cheated. I would get upset when they lied. They always left me feeling foolish because I was “too young to settle down.” However, I don’t see the point in wasting my time & wasting my youth on a relationship that I know isn’t going to result in a future. If you lie and cheat on me now, you’ll lie and cheat on me later in life & I’m just not about to let that happen.

The first night I hung out with my, now husband, we laid it all out there on the line. He said “this is what I’m looking for… this is what I want…. I’m looking for a wife… this is my past & this is my reputation.” As weird as this may sound, it was exactly what I wanted to hear. I had wasted too many years on things that would never last. I was looking for a future and this man was it.

Now I’m not going to say we are perfect. But I would say we are as close as you can get. I’m very proud of what we have. Sure, we have our differences. & Yes – there are things that sometimes get on my nerves. But you know the difference in our marriage and others out there? We’re too stubborn to give up. We are going to work through the challenges. We are going to communicate and continue to put each other’s happiness before our own. & you know what? THAT is going to last.

No one “falls out of love.” Love goes through cycles. You have to learn to grow together, not apart. You have to CHOOSE to love each other every day. Even when they haven’t taken you out in a while, even if their compliments have been lacking lately. Be intentional. Tell them what you want. Tell them what makes you happy. When they choose your happiness above their own, and you do the same, there is no reason why anyone should be unhappy.

Marriage is for life. Marriage is NOT “until I no longer feel like working for it.” If you are willing to break one of the most sacred vows there is in existence, what else are you willing to do?

Keep it classy,

K.